Aristotle is a Pig
by Sergeant Lips
Summary: Let's just say, she had picked a great month to quit cigarettes.


Chapter 1: In My Professional Opinion

* * *

It was a universal truth that a strong independent woman in the 21st century relished her ability to have thoughts and opinions about a plethora of intellectual topics. Whether she decided to give that opinion was fully up to her. A one Miss Elizabeth Bennet, in particular, loved this glorious benefit of the modern woman.

"I just don't know if I should ask her out or not."

Lizzy Bennett rolled her eyes, exhaling loudly at the conversation she was pretending not to eavesdrop on in the booth behind her.

"I mean, I like her. I know I do. She's beautiful, smart, and.. I just don't know if she feels the same way.." He complained.

A pause.

_Seriously, dude? _

"Be cocky and confident. Make her fight for you by getting her jealous. Woman are complicated creatures but for some reason they eat that shit up." Came a reply from the man sitting adjacent from Mister Unlucky-in-Love.

_What a prat! _Lizzy seethed quietly at the ignorant comment made by his friend.

There was a rather long list of things that drove Elizabeth Bennet absolutely nuts and number six on the list (right below her three younger sisters, who were numbers three, four, and five, respectively) were men dribbling on endlessly about women and pretending to be experts.

Lizzy exasperatingly pursed her lips, drumming her fingers along the table. Her dining experience was officially compromised. She no longer had an appetite because of the dude behind her bitching and moaning for what felt like hours (three to be exact) and his not-so-eloquent friend's pitiful attempt at relationship advice.

_Women are complex? Jesus dude._

"-izzy, are you even listening to a word I'm saying?"

Lizzy's chocolate brown eyes met with the fairly ticked off green one's of her best friend Charlotte Lucas. They were currently sitting in the non-smoking section of Waffle House, as they did every Thursday night since she had quit smoking and now regretted the moment she had abruptly decided to throw out her half unfinished last pack four weeks prior.

"Don't make that face at me, Elizabeth." Uh, oh a full name meant Charlotte was most displeased. "Stop eavesdropping and help me figure out our budget plan for next month."

"And no," She continued rather sternly. "You can't have a cigarette. We both decided to quit and you are not backing out on me."

Lizzy pouted, semi-annoyed at her friend's inherent ability to read her mind.

"I'm sorry, Charlotte, but if this guy behind me doesn't just suck it up and ask this chick out I'm going to hurl myself off a cliff plus," a beat, "a cigarette seems more than a rational substitute for suicide."

Charlotte laughed, cupping her chin in her one hand and the other stirring her coffee. "I really don't think they want you to but in." She tilted her head thoughtfully. "Seems like serious business they are discussing."

"I don't know if she likes me back. She hasn't given me any hint of her feelings one way or the other."

And thus, the world's tiniest violin played a sad song, a song that brought a gentle tear to one's eye like any movie with a horse dying at the conclusion.

"Yeah, something about some total Betty who he has a class with but he's not sure whether she likes him or not." She scoffed, poking her eggs with her fork. "And he seems unable to grow a pair."

"It's my professional opinion-"

"You're a professional?" Lizzy quirked an eyebrow teasingly.

"Yes, Miss Haughty." Charlotte retorted. "It's my professional opinion that if this girl isn't trying to secure him before someone else comes along, then she's not interested."

"And you give me crap for eavesdropping. Hey!" Lizzy exclaimed sarcastically then laughed, dodging a french fry thrown from Charlotte.

"Oh god." Charlotte hiccupped, hiding her face with her hand. "My fry landed on that guy's shoulder."

Lizzy turned slightly, nabbing a quick peek at the grey polo shirt her best friend's dinner had landed on. She caught Charlotte's eye, both turning red and giggling in unison. Captain grey-polo-guy appeared to not have noticed the new substitute parrot on his shirt, inducing even more laughter between the two friends.

"But seriously, Char, this girl he's going on about," She sat up straight becoming serious. She had come to the conclusion, growing up with a family of five sisters, that every woman was different. Her eldest sister was the shy-type and delicately hid her feelings behind gorgeous nonchalant smiles, whereas her younger sisters' actions leaned more towards Charlotte's _professional_ opinion except with unashamed persuasion border lining forcefulness. "maybe, we'll call her Bob-"

"Really, Lizzy, Bob?"

Lizzy shrugged. "I'm not that great at naming stuff. My teddy bear when I was a kid was named Mariah Carey."

Charlotte laughed again.

"A_nyway,_" Lizzy clicked her tongue at the interruption. "Every woman is different when it comes to men and relationships. Bob could just be shy and needs a little shove or a hint that there are feelings, ya know?" She lowered her head so they wouldn't be heard. "She could be oblivious to the pathetic lump crying his eyes out into his bacon behind us, spawning this entire waste of a conversation."

Charlotte disagreed. It made sense to put one's self out there in order to secure a man for the future. "It doesn't matter, Lizzy. You're 22 years old and boyfriend-less, so your opinion is ix-nayed."

"Whatever, so are you." Lizzy quipped hiding a small smile behind her coffee mug.

"Charles, you always fall for the nearest pretty girl." Captain Polo stated, perplexed.

His friend huffed, offended and replied lamely. "I do not."

_Oh for god's sake. _Lizzy snorted softly, the irate vein Charlotte had temporarily silenced reared its ugly head again. _Just send her a damn note in class that reads "Do you like me?" with boxes marked yes, no, maybe so, or fuck off and never speak to me again._

"Charlie, listen to me you're in college not high school-"

_Oh my god. _Lizzy scrunched her nose_. _This guy was in college? He was close in age with her? She hadn't seen his face so the idea that he couldn't have been much older than a hormone filled teenager had been pushed far from her mind. But college? She had hoped to some degree college men were less finicky than an accidental boner aimed at the popular girl in their mutual high school algebra class. Lizzy had never dated a college man before, and the spiel behind her was giving her less hope for future relationships.

"Liz, remember that time your mom tried to set you up with-" She ignored the lame attempt to distract her back to reality, much to Charlottes' chagrin, and craned her neck for better hearing. Usually a story involving Mama Bennet always roped Lizzy into a deep tongue-and-cheek diatribe.

Charlotte sighed dejectedly, tossing a piece of paper with the words Char and Lizzie's Expenses for September, Yo aside. A title was at least some progress, like a header and the tab button for an MLA formatted paper. Just 9 ¾ pages of the essay left.

"I don't want to push her away or frighten her. I can't eat or sleep."

Pitiful.

"You should insult her. Girls hate being insulted, but they always come back. She'll be wrapped around your finger before you know it."

"Is that how you ensnared Louisa?" Charles inquired innocently.

His friend seemed obliged to decline a response.

"I'm going to say something." Lizzy finally exclaimed, decidedly pounding her fist on the table causing the salt and pepper shaker to clink. She leaned back further itching to interrupt.

"Don't." Charlotte warned. "I will get up from this table immediat_ely and leave you with the check."_

"But Char!" Lizzy whined, tapping her foot repeatedly under the table. "Do you hear what this douche of a friend is saying about women?"

At eight years old, Lizzy had beaten up her first boy for making her older sister cry when he shoved a worm down her shirt. Presently at 22 years old, Lizzy loved a good verbal assault towards men who bashed women.

"More coffee, Liz?" Joan, their waitress, asked, a fresh pot in her hand.

"Huh?" At this point, Lizzy was unable to pay attention to anything else. This guy was just embarrassing himself. His consistent inner turmoil was giving her a headache. She had to say _something._

"Liz?" Joan repeated.

"I hate this." Charles sulked slamming, what could've been assumed as an all-is-lost forehead to the table.

_That's it._

"Okay, listen up dude!" Lizzy, unable to hold her tongue for a moment longer, whirled around facing the two gentleman behind them. "You only live life goddamn once, a phrase thrust upon society by idiotic teenagers on social media outlets, however!" She breathed, ignoring the surprised and flustered looks she was receiving from her uninvited opinion. "They are wise words! Just ask the girl out. If she says yes, good for you, may your children be blessed with natural good looks and the ability to never have this conversation again, if not oh well, other fish in the sea yada, yada."

"Lizzy!" Charlotte, exclaimed embarrassed.

The red head, whom she supposed was Charles, cleared his throat, pink threatening to stain his cheeks.

Lizzy went on.

"I'm sure, she digs you. You seem like a nice guy, and you're good-looking. What's not to like?" She clasped her hands together indignantly, "But for the love of god I can't hear myself think and some of us have limited amounts of time and money needed to buy groceries next month, so we need a planogram."

_Oh, now she wants to discuss civilized crap_, Charlotte thought, _typical._

"And _you_." She turned towards the grey polo'd man directly, eyeing him vehemently. "That insulting advice? What the hell? That is absolutely no way to treat a woman and entirely manipulative and disrespectful. You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Unaware of terrified looks she was receiving from the two men, who were currently scooted as far away from the strange, wild woman, with lots of curly brown hair, Lizzy took several deep breaths her chest heaving up and down.

_Silence._

A million eyes darted back and forth questioningly. Lizzy ignored them, not caring. He would accept her unwanted help, god dammit. She would get him a girlfriend the right way or send him home sobbing, either way, another dramatic situation solved.

"I-" Charles stuttered, clearly red in the face now.

Charlotte, muttering her deepest apologies to the two men, quickly rose to her feet gathering up their things and asked Joan for the check. Lizzy had stick her big fat nose into another uninvited situation. It was time to find a different Wafflehouse. She hooked her arms through Lizzy's pulling her in a haste.

_Two feet from the door. Just two more feet. _

"Wait!"

Charlotte cringed. _Great._ Now they were going to be yelled at. She glared at Lizzy, hoping the two men wouldn't rough her up too badly. She was itching to do the punishing herself.

Lizzy freed her arm from Charlotte's, turning around.

"Sit down…Ugh..please." Charles spoke up timidly patting the seat next to him.

She raised an eyebrow suspiciously, looking from Charles to Charlotte, who seemed just as confused as she was.

"Charles Bingley." He held his hand out. "And you are?"

Lizzy's eyes widened incredulously, before Charlotte, evil Charlotte placed a forceful hand on her shoulder. It was decided that Lizzy was not going anywhere. Charlotte would make sure of that.

She hesitated, sitting one cheek on the booth and one cheek off for a good get away formation.

"Eli-Penelope." She said quickly. "Or uh Penny for short." An even greater fake smile plastering her face to complement her fake name. A fake one was better than a real one with a social security number and address attached to it. She caught Charlotte choking back a laugh and silenced her with a glare.

"So, uh, I guess you heard everything?" His friend snorted at the obvious.

_Silence._

Charles met her eyes briefly, offering a half smile.

Lizzy bit her lip, aware that she had, indeed, made a fool of herself and felt a tinge of regret in calling the guy out. She had ripped him a new asshole and he wasn't trying to scratch her eyes out or use a match to light her hair on fire. Lesson learned. "I'm sorry, I did that." Pause, "I just couldn't help overhearing your sob story and it irritates me to see someone so flustered over something so trivi-" "Lesson" will be processed tomorrow morning, for now honesty.

"Yes." Charlotte chimed in. "Li-Penny has never been a stranger to hopping into other people's lives and throwing in her opinion. I'm so sorr-"

"Can you help me?" He cried bluntly. "You're a woman and women know each other best right? Please?"

Lizzy cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at Charles and his friend, who was looking slightly amused at her. She caught Charlotte's eye and almost chuckled at the disbelief radiating off her face.

She took a gulp of air. "I suppose…..as long as you promise not to kill me afterwards."

Confusion briefly spread across Charlie's handsome boyish face. Whoever, this girl was, Lizzy decided, was very lucky indeed.

"_Penny_, I'm going to head home for the night." Charlotte pretended to yawn, rubbing her eyes. "I work early tomorrow." Any excuse to leave Lizzy alone with her mess to clean up would suffice for punishment tonight.

Lizzy threw her a don't-you-dare-leave-me-look.

"Remember we need to work on that budget." And with a quick sarcastic wink from Charlotte, she was gone and Lizzy? Well, Lizzy was stuck alone in a diner with two men she hadn't intended on getting to know better.

"So.." Awkward.

"Okay." Charlie proceeded to rant on and on about Bob ("Who's Bob?" "Uhh" Lizzy hesitated sheepishly, "no _one.")_ in his Psychology class. How he had purposely sat by her, talked to her, invited her over (to which she had politely declined), and made small comments about her appearance. It was driving him to the point of undeniable craziness that he couldn't tell if she was interested or not. Anytime he said anything to her, she just smiled a (in his words) a dazzling smile that warmed his heart so much, he didn't know what to do with himself. He was in a deep dark pit of endless agony. A man sworn to singlehood because his love may or may not be reciprocated. "And honestly," He finished with a sad shrug, pointing to his companion. "I would never have taken this guy's advice and insulted her."

_Be still my heart._

He opened his mouth to say more.

"Okay, okay." She interrupted quickly, calming Charlie down. "I get it. You really like this girl."

He looked at her, his blue eyes hopeful.

"It makes me happy to hear you won't make fun of her but at the same time you need to ditch the 17th century gentleman attitude. Don't sweat the small stuff." She paused and licked her lips, catching Captain Polo's eyes for a brief moment. He, too, looked intrigued at what she was about to say. "Woman are not that complex, I promise. Most of us like grand gestures, however, have you thought about just calling her, telling her with an articulate sentence that you like her as more than a friend and asking her out to dinner?"

"Oh." It was as if this was unheard of.

"Just because Bo-er Psychology girl hasn't made anything clear doesn't mean she does not like you. She could be shy."

She stopped, awaiting a response. Any response would do. A good ol' fashioned impaling was better than an awkward silence from a guy she didn't know and was giving advice to.

"Charles?"

_I think I scarred him._

"Uh..huh."

"Can I see your phone?"

"Sure." He replied dumbfounded, reaching and fumbling for his phone in his pants pocket.

"Do you have her phone number?" She said slowly, hoping he would process the information.

Lizzy stumbled for minute trying to create a message on what was essentially the most up to date phone. Quite opposite from her cheap flip phone. "Alright, here you go. I typed out a message asking her out for coffee. It's the first date beverage of choice." She handed the phone back to him. "All you have to do is find her number and hit send." She clarified that with a little more courage and confidence, Charles would probably win his ladylove.

"All I have to do is hit send?" He repeated as if double checking if he had heard right and scrolled through his contact list to find her name.

"Yes sir."

"So Penny," The man across from her started, cockiness attributing his smug features. "Do you think it will work? I take it you didn't agree with my conclusions?"

Not liking his attitude, Lizzy brushed off the question with another question "I'm sorry, and your name was?"

"Lee." He replied shortly, not noticing her disappointment that his name wasn't Grey Polo Guy.

"Oh yes." Charles said hoarsely, "That was rude of me. This is my brother-in-law Lee Hurst."

Lizzy almost wanted to laugh. If anything she was the rude one at this table, flashback to prior "I'm going to wring your neck for being dumb about girls." Charles really seemed like a sweetheart and a gentleman from the less than bloody reaction to her crazy outburst to the two hour long explanation about his undying like for, the only logical conclusion, his soul mate. And it was helping that Lee Hurst raised a small fuss and looked all around the diner for the unsavory criminal who placed a perfectly balanced French fry on his shoulder.

Charles and Lizzy exchanged knowing glances and laughed.

"Thank you, Penny. I really appreciate this." He did seem appreciative, after and counted 12 hugs.

Lizzy shrugged lackadaisically. "And thank you for not lighting me on fire."

He laughed. "I have a blunt friend, so I think I'm used to being told with very clear SAT words how I'm acting or what I could easily do to solve my situation. You remind me of him."

"I'm glad I could help." She smiled warmly. Where were all the men like Charles in the world?

Soon after, they exchanged goodbyes and phone numbers. Charles, promising to text and keep her up to date on his new beverage of choice date and likewise she, promising to give him advice when he asked for it.

"Good luck!" She shouted, standing up in the moon roof of her car.

He laughed, rolling the window down. "Thank you, Penny!"

She slid down in the front seat, grinning. Tucking a loose strand of brown curl behind an ear, she admitted, which was not an often occurrence, that she had been wrong in judging Charlie so harshly before getting to know him. He's easy-manners and jovial sense of humor had been an absolute delight and she was pleased for the opportunity to help him and the woman he liked.

_Oh, I forgot to tell him my name isn't Penny._

Honestly, it was doubtful they would see each other again.

It was 1:00 a.m. in the morning before she had gotten home and hoped to death that the slamming front door wouldn't wake up her sister or Charlotte.

"Hey Lizzy."

"AH!" Stumbling backward, she pinched the bridge of her nose. "You scared the shit out of me Jane! Jesus! What are you still doing up?"

Jane, her eldest and most precious sister, was lounged comfortably on the couch, her half-moon glasses adorably hanging off the bridge of her nose. Netflix was on the television, meaning she probably couldn't sleep.

"I'm sorry, Lizzy," Jane said quietly, her voice filled with the warmth of a thousand suns. "A friend from school texted me a short while ago."

"Yeah?" Lizzy replied, quizzically, struggling to pull her chucks off her feet.

"He-he asked me out. I don't even know what to do, or say, or- I couldn't even sleep. "

Lizzy smiled happily congratulating Jane, wrapping an arm around her sister's shoulder.

"So who's the luckiest man to walk the face of the Earth?" Lizzy teased, pulling away from her sister, and plopping down beside her.

Jane's eyes brightened and she blushed deeply. "Charles Bingley."

"And with that I'm going to go smoke."

* * *

A/N: I was inspired by a conversation I accidentally eavesdropped on two nights ago in a diner except I have no personal interest in giving my two cents.


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